To the Person Who Loves Me Next

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me…every day.” -Nicholas Sparks

To the next person who loves me,

Whoever you are and where ever you are. I look forward to meeting you. But you should know, I don’t half ass many things in life…love included.

So when you love me, I’m the type that loves hard.

So when you love me, I’m gonna love you deeply.

So when you love me, I’m gonna love only you.

Because unlike most…I know how to love the right way. And when I do I’ll change your life, if you’re able to reciprocate it.

But before we get there, please know a few things…

“So it’s not gonna be easy…

I don’t know if I’m an easy person to love, because I value love in it’s entirety.

I’m very guarded. I don’t trust too many people. I know it has nothing to do with you. It has more to do with the people in the past, who have walked away. I know I shouldn’t judge you based on people in the past. But I’ve loved too easy and I’ve learned.

I love people the right way. But, not many people know how to do that or know how to respond to people who love as deeply as I do.

I love hard. Even the worst heartbreak, won’t change that.

It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at it.

I’m gonna test you. I’m gonna see if you are even worthy of the love I can give. You can test me too.

To love the right way, requires loving equally. I’ve loved a lot of people who couldn’t reciprocate it. But pain is okay. Getting hurt means I’m taking the right chances, for something I want. But I’m willing to work for the relationship we both deserve. I know love can be the best thing we have in life. I’m willing to take chances. I’m willing to risk getting hurt, in hopes you can love me back.

But I want to do that…

I don’t fear pain. I’ll give you the best of myself. I’ll love you the right way.

Love is a bit of gambling and I’ll be the first to admit, I love playing the game. But I promise, I’ll play the right game. I’ll never play you. I’ll never not take your feelings into consideration. I’ll never intentionally hurt you. I’m a straight shooter, in a world full of liars. Of the many things I’m good at, the best is how I love.

Because I want you. I want all of you.”

I want you. I want us to make it. I want us to experience the relationships they write about. I’ve been there once. I know what it takes to get there. It’s takes having faith in one another. It’s a little bit of risk. It’s a bit of vulnerability. It’s a bit of letting your guard down and blindly trusting someone. It’s letting someone know about the past that hurt you.

I’ll tell you about the scars that have prevailed in my past. I’ll tell you about the wounds. I’ll tell you about the things that went wrong. And when I trust you enough to tell you those things, you’ll love me even more for having endured it.

When you trust me, I’ll teach you to dance with your own skeletons. I’ll teach you to love your past, instead of resent it. I’ll accept you at your worst and show you how to love someone that way.

If you’re willing to take this chance, I promise it’ll be worth it. You’re in for one hell of a ride.

I ask a few things, have patience with me. I’m very cautious. Trust me first, then I’ll come around and trust you. Love me and I promise I’ll love you deeper. Love me right and I’ll teach you to love better.

I’m not an easy person to love. But that’s because I know how to do it the right way. In a world that teaches us to love with only half of our heart, I don’t do that sort of thing. I’m the girl who will love you in ways you never knew possible. And when I do, that’s the standard you’ll compare everyone else too. Your life will never be the same.

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To My Former Best Friend: I Forgive You but I also Wanna Forget You

“When the truth is ugly, people try to keep it hidden, because they know if revealed the damage it will do, so they conceal it within sturdy walls, or they place it behind closed doors, or they obscure it with clever disguises, the truth no matter how ugly always emerges and someone we care about always ends up getting hurt and someone else will revel in their pain, and that’s the ugliest truth of all.” –Desperate Housewives

Sometimes you get completely blindsided, when you lose a friend. Other times, things are bubbling under the surface for too long. Eventually it comes out, ugly, mean, and you don’t even recognize the person looking at you, who once wore that best friend bracelet.

There was a time where no one ever questioned the forever in that abbreviation. Wherever she was you were too and vise versa. While everyone else seemed to come and go in your life, she was the one you knew would stay…or so you thought.

Sure you’ve walked fine lines in the past, but you never could believe it would break. And suddenly, she’s cutting herself out of your life and you wonder where she even got the scissors to do so and why?

Losing a friend will always hurt more than breakups. You go into relationships, knowing very well most will end. But with friendships we don’t believe it as often. We aren’t as guarded. Maybe we should be. We aren’t afraid to be vulnerable. And maybe we should be. We aren’t afraid of breakdowns. Because through the test of time, they’ve accepted us at our worst, until one day we become the worst as a result of them and their actions.

So for now…

I’ll forgive you…..

For walking away when I probably needed you most.

For not being loyal in your final moments, because you were before.

For hurting me, because you never had before.

For stabbing me in the back, when I didn’t think I had to be cautious around you.

For the unkindness you showed me, even though I didn’t retaliate.

For hiding behind your cell phone and friends like the coward you are.

For breaking my heart worse than any guy could have.

Because you know exactly what you did to me.

Because you couldn’t even look at me, that moment we saw each other for the first time.

Because you ran and I held back tears, that probably wouldn’t have fazed you.

But as much as I forgive you and I refuse to live with hate in my heart….

More than that I wanna forget you.

I wish I could have back every memory, that never hurt before to look back at.

I wish I could remove you from every picture, but you were in so many. I never  thought you would be a thing of the past.

I wish I could have back every birthday, where you smiled next to me as I made a wish.

I wish I could have back every family vacation, that you were always welcome on.

I wish I could have back the family weddings, that you always had an invite to.

I wish I could have back every Christmas eve, where the only fight we ever had, was whose gift was better.

I wish I could have back every shot, that we cheered to each other.

I wish I could have back every tear, that you always dried and never once caused.

I wish I didn’t have to look at every picture that’s now hidden in the back of my closet.

I wish I didn’t have to look at my half of the necklace you bought me with confusion. My fingers run across the words forever, not just engraved in gold, but also in my heart.

I wish you didn’t hurt me as you did.

Instead of f*ck you…

But it was in those moments I learned who my real friends were. It was in that moment, I broke down and hit rock bottom and you left. While others were left to pick up the pieces of the chaos you created.

I think we learn from every experience, even the bad ones. And most the time I always believe even when things end, you walk away with the good memories, grateful and move forward. But you turned every fond memory so sour. I look at it all with regret. And it breaks my heart to say this, but I wish I never met you. Because even at your best, it didn’t even balance out, that person you became in the end.

I wanna say thank you.

And the saddest part of all was, it’s probably who you were the whole time. It just took me a very long time to see the truth.

I think you can define people in their final moments and if that’s who you are,  I want nothing to do with you in my future.

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If I Walked Away, Just Know It Wasn’t Easy for Me

“I finally understood what true love meant…love meant that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.”-Nicholas Sparks. 

The worst types of breakups are the ones you aren’t allowed to mourn. The ones where you cry yourself to sleep, staring at a phone, that is silent. You wake up the next day swallow, put on a brave face and carry on with your day. Because when you’ve never actually dated someone, apparently you aren’t allowed to be hurt when you lose them.

But pain didn’t discriminate. It didn’t come in a single form. It was not defined by labels. Love was not defined by what we were or weren’t. But how you made me feel when you spun be around and held me late at night.

As f*cked up as it all was, I did love you. I loved everything you were. I loved every part of you. And I wanted you more than I think I wanted anyone.

But there came a point, where I couldn’t keep wanting something that I wasn’t getting. There came a point, where I was out of ideas because even at my best, I wasn’t enough for you.

I’m not the type to give up on people. And what drew you back to me so often, was that I never failed to believe in you, despite everyone else’s doubt.

So before you grow angry, just know it took everything in me to say goodbye to you. Moving on isn’t the hard part. But staying moved on is the task that will be diffcult.

The numbers have been blocked. My email has been changed. And while you may not exist in the world of social media, you live within my heart.

I had to do it for you too. You looked at me and it was a reminder of the person you used to be. I was the last thing in your past. The only hope you had at moving on, from that, was for me to let you go.

So I let you go without turning around for the first time. I wanted to move far away enough from you, that even if I looked back, I wouldn’t be tempted to turn around.

Among the many things you liked most about me, was my strength. And it takes everything in me to channel that into you.

A life without you isn’t one that’ll be easy for me. I think I needed you more than you needed me. I know I wanted you more than you wanted me.

And maybe at one point the tables were turned. Maybe I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine, but I think we’re toxic for each other.

It’s never easy for a good woman to walk away from someone she loves and believes in.

But sometimes, the greatest test of love is letting someone go, because they deserve more than what you can give.

So if you loved me at all, it truly breaks me to even utter these words let me lead a life without you.

Don’t come back.

And maybe our paths will cross, when the ghosts of my past taps me on the shoulder and I follow their lead.

And maybe I won’t change the radio when our song plays and just let it take me.

And maybe I’ll find myself in that place that used to be ours.

And maybe you’ll be there looking for me too. But I hope that isn’t the case.

You’ve held me without touch, but now I’m the one letting go.

Just know it comes with a heavy heart. And I don’t think of it as giving up on you. I think of it as giving each other what we actually deserve. It breaks me to finally accept what we deserve most isn’t each other.

Love always,

Kirsten

P.s Thanks for the good times. It’s those I will hold forever in my heart.

“I had this fantasy, that I would look across the tables and I’d see you there, with a wife and maybe a couple of kids. You wouldn’t say anything to me and I wouldn’t say anything to you. But we both knew that you had made it and you were happy. I never wanted you to come back. I always knew there was nothing for you here, except pain and tragedy. And I wanted something more for you than that. I still do.” – The Dark Knight

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And if You let me, I’ll Love You at Your Worst

“I can’t tell you exactly how it will end, but I can tell you this when it begins, it will feel like rain and when it ends it’ll feel like fire. And the truth is we’re all beautifully mad enough to believe that maybe love was meant to save us from ourselves.” -R.M. Drake.

I think we’re all afraid of showing someone the worst sides to ourselves. We’re afraid of rejection, we’re afraid of vulnerability.

But if you let me, I’ll love you at your worst.

I’ll love when you don’t like the reflection you see looking back at you.

I’ll love you for the things you are insecure about.

I’ll love you through every fight.

I’ll love you through every breakdown.

I’ll love you through every tear, you hate shedding.

I’ll love you through every anxiety attack.

I’ll love you when you become that person, you don’t recognize drunk.

I’ll love you when you push me away.

I’ll love you when you don’t understand.

I promise to love you at your worst. And with that it’ll heighten everything that is it’s best.

Because even at your worst, you’re beautiful.

Even those moments you hate yourself, I promise I won’t.

I’ll love you through the anger.

I’ll love you through the confusion.

I’ll love you for the past and accept it, as you haven’t yourself.

And even more for the future that may be uncertain.

I love you for the things you are. I love you too for the things you aren’t.

And if you let me I’ll love this way forever.

I’ll love until our wrinkles age together and we envy our youth.

I’ll love you for every memory that is imprinted in my heart.

I’ll love you for your quirks.

I’ll love you for your flaws.

I’ll love you for it all, if you dare let me.

Because when I look at you I see perfection, despite the flaws that prevail.

Because when I look at you I see the person you inspire me to be.

Because when I look at you, I’m happy to be alive.

So I’ll love you through it all, even in those moments you don’t love yourself.

And if you let me, I’d like to love you like that forever.

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A Letter From the Ex that Dumped you

I know you probably hate me, as I expect you too. I know we each have said horrible things in the process of it ending. I can’t pin point, why it needed to end other than, I feel I have outgrown you. I say this not trying to be cocky, or offend you, but I need to discover who I am without you. I can’t promise once I discover that, will I come back. It hurt me too, having to end it with you. You were my best friend, the love of my life and the person I turned to for everything. I thought for days and weeks before I ended it, if I was making a mistake. You have done nothing wrong. You treated me perfect, you were kind and compassionate and wonderful in every way. The cliché saying of, “it’s me and not you,” is actually true. I have a lot going on in my life right now and I feel I need to give that all my attention. My feelings have changed for you recently, and not because of anything you have done wrong, but because that is what people do, is grow a part. We grow apart and find others and it is a cycle that eventually will end when we each find our soul mates. At one time or another we saw forever in each other’s eyes and while part of me wishes those feelings in those moments stayed, they didn’t.

I will always love you and look back at the time we spent together most fondly. I’ll look back at the first time we met and how at first I was a little skeptical of you. But with time and giving you a chance, I fell deeper in love with you with each passing day. I’ll think back to the movies we watched during snowstorms and sleepovers in which we never got sleep. I’ll think back to the time you took care of me when I was sick and the time you held my hair back when I had to too many shots. I’ll look back at the holidays how I spend hours trying to find the perfect gift and even when I thought I did, you got me a better one. I’ll think back to the New Years in which your lips were the only ones I wanted to kiss. I’ll think back to the first time you met my parents and how they loved you. I’ll always remember that moment I had a breakdown after the funeral, and you held me close and even in a world that seemed shattered I had you.

So to tell you I didn’t love you at one time would be a lie. To tell you I won’t miss you will also be a lie. I’m sure we will cross paths in the future, and what we can’t deny is how awkward it will be, because of the things we shared. Just know even though I can’t be with you, doesn’t mean I am not happy to have met you in the first place. You made me the person I am today, and for that I am very grateful.

There is no doubt in my mind when your heart heals, you will find someone better than myself, and when you do, I will probably be jealous at first. But I will live with the choice I made and I hope you understand I didn’t want to hurt you, but I had to, to allow myself to become the person I am meant to be and I am so sorry you can’t be by my side along this journey as I figure it out.

Love Always,

Your ex

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45 Things Only People Who Are “Too Nice” Can Relate To

If I got a dollar for every time someone told me I’m “too nice,” I don’t think I need to work a day in my life. If I got a dollar for every time someone said or did something mean to me, my kids wouldn’t have to work either. Most of the time, people don’t like me when they first meet me. And I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t bother me, because it really does. They fail to understand the kind gestures, the acts of community service, the selfless giving, without ever wanting to take isn’t an act.

We live in a world that tries to teach us to be selfish and to look out for ourselves. But the world overly kind people live in, completely contradicts those beliefs. We enter this world actually believing we can be the ones to change it. We see all the bad out there, and we see opportunity. We aren’t saints and we don’t see ourselves the way people may see us. We are constantly looking at others and looking for the good in them. But the life of someone who is born with this type of quality comes bearing harsh judgment, criticism, and, ironically, a lot of unkindness. It is the people who are the kindest and most compassionate who have a story that made them that way.

  1. It’s not an act; we genuinely care about others (even strangers).
  2. And we aren’t fake, so stop telling us we are.
  3. We aren’t naïve – we’ve probably seen more unkindness than you have.
  4. We know when people are taking advantage of us, but we want to believe in goodness.
  5. We are tired of people telling us stop trying so hard because it is who we are.
  6. A “thank you” is all we expect in return.
  7. Global issues and human suffering really hurt us.
  8. People aren’t going to like us, and it makes us try harder.
  9. We know people can be assholes, but those people aren’t gonna turn us into one.
  10. We appreciate kind gestures more than anyone in the world.
  11. We don’t need to change and we are tired of people telling us to.
  12. Even if we have few enemies, we would never say anything bad about them.
  13. We try very hard to never utter unkind words, because we know how powerful words are.
  14. We are first to defend the underdog.
  15. We know good always overcomes evil.
  16. Doing things for others actually makes us feel great.
  17. The meanest, most accurate thing people can say about us is that we are too nice.
  18. “Nice guys finish last.” We know it’s true.
  19. Intentional unkindness or selective kindness isn’t something we understand.
  20. Being nice to people we don’t like isn’t fake, it’s maturity.
  21. We cry more than we’d like to admit.
  22. Knowing people will remember us for the way we make them feel about themselves is knowledge we use to our advantage.
  23. Being told we have poor judgment, but we know with enough time, we can find good in everyone.
  24. We don’t judge others, but rather try and understand them.
  25. We have flaws we obsess over.
  26. We get really excited when we meet someone as nice as us, because it’s rare.
  27. If people talk behind our backs, everyone else thinks they are crazy.
  28. We give too many second chances even if we get burnt.
  29. We are the most reliable friend.
  30. We believe lies, because we are always honest.
  31. We may have insecurities, but the one thing we are most confident about is who we are and how we treat people.
  32. We apologize too often, because we probably don’t hear “sorry” enough.
  33. We will always first blame ourselves, even if someone has done us wrong.
  34. We’re not just being nice to get attention.
  35. When we say or do something and it hurts someone, we never forget, and the guilt lives with us for years.
  36. We have never heard our name and the word “mean” in the same sentence.
  37. The greatest compliment we receive is being the nicest person people know.
  38. We have an army of people ready to defend our honor.
  39. Rejecting people is not easy for us, because we see it often.
  40. We really do have the best intentions, even if we mess up.
  41. We are more compassionate than the average person.
  42. Eventually even the people who didn’t like us come around, and later become our biggest fans.
  43. Our best friends know everything about us, and know all of these things to be completely true.
  44. People remember us, even if we go years without seeing one another.
  45. And in a world that tries to make us cold, just know we are never going to change our ways.
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Why You Must Heal Past Wounds to Enjoy Present Moments

The delayed side effects of heartbreak after first love, hit me like a baseball to the face. At first it hurt invisibly, then the wound revealed itself as time progressed.

It took me a very long time to make the connection. Because of an old wound I had covered but never took the time to heal, I didn’t recognize the person I had become.

My initial reaction after being dumped was denial and shock, followed by looking like a complete fool in a desperate attempt to win my ex back. This resulted in wiping out my bank account, leaving the country, and returning to a person that only existed in my memory. I needed to hear everything in person that I had failed to believe over texts and phone calls.

What we risk reveals what we value. By putting my heart on the line, I had, in a way, lost myself.

I knew without wanting to that part of me had changed. I could never go back to the person I was.

I was once someone who believed in love and fairytales more than any 6 year old, but I never uttered the words “I love you” to anyone after that initial heartbreak. As someone who valued intimacy and getting to know people before engaging in physical relationships, I suddenly became emotionless at the prospect of potential relationships and sex. As someone who once went to bed thinking about one day finding my prince and living happily ever after, I realized how scared I was.

“There is an air of innocence to you that seems to touch everyone you meet,” my ex wrote me in a final letter. I didn’t know he’d be the one to rob me of that innocence and leave me in complete disbelief that love existed.

This is to every person who has ever changed after heartbreak. This is to every person who has ever lost that sparkle in his or her eyes. This is to every person who fears love as much as I do.

For me it took my best friend pulling me aside and saying, “This isn’t who you are.”

I think once you lose yourself, there’s no way of going back to the person you were. I think sometimes you need to let go of that person and remember who you are meant to be.

It’s okay to change because of heartbreak – it means you’re growing up. But don’t change so much that you don’t recognize yourself. It’s okay to doubt love after you’ve been hurt – that means you have overcome the first hurdle of heartbreak. But if I could give you a piece of advice, it would be this:

Don’t allow a single person to change what makes you who you are.

Don’t allow pain to close you off.

Don’t allow yourself to settle out of fear.

Don’t allow heartbreak to be the catalyst for bad change.

If you start pretending to be someone you aren’t, one day you aren’t going to have to pretend anymore. Heartbreak can change you for the better, but to allow heartbreak to change you for the worse is the greatest tragedy.

I think everyone changes after heartbreak, but those qualities you once possessed don’t disappear. They are still within you, under guarded layers, because we are all afraid in life.

Eventually you’ll realize that the walls you’re putting up are only keeping you more guarded and closed off. The only way to let people in is to give them the opportunity to know you, like you let your ex know you. The only way you’ll heal from heartbreak is to let someone close to that old wound so they can heal it. You might be afraid at first, because you’ve become used to pushing others away as a form of protection, but the truth is: you shouldn’t let heartbreak turn you into someone you’re not. And the only way someone will ever love you again is if you show them who you are.

E.E Cummings once wrote, “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.”

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